In a community that is built on a foundation that we all have some shared understanding of what it feels like to be different, and face some sort of discrimination, why do we feel the need to constantly cut each other down?

Since I have come out, I have encountered many different types of gay men because like all communities, no one is exactly the same, and within our broad general gay community, there are in fact subcultures that exist, just like any other large community.

However, what has boggled my mind is that there seems to be some sort of hierarchy within the gay community, or at least a never-ending amount of cliques. You know, those things that existed in high school.

And it is here that we find why we are so competitive as a community

1.    We have a second adolescence.

We did not get to date like our straight peers growing up, and experience sex, drinking, drugs, etc with people we found attractive, so we go through a second adolescence. We often move to a big city, where gay is okay, or at least more so then the small suburbs and rural farms we grew up on. We finally get to find out that there are people like us, but also a lot that still aren’t.

This wouldn’t be as big of a problem as it is, but we don’t have anyone regulating us because we are technically adults, who make our own money. Having no one to answer to when you have endless opportunity makes for a really rich kid in a candy store, and well that just creates monsters on sugar highs.

2.    We separate ourselves into subcategories.

We have our wolves, otters, bears, daddies, babies, twinks, twunks, jocks, and a never-ending list of categories that ultimately say one thing: we aren’t equal, we are separate.

We may cross paths, but often we tend to stick to those cliques that match ourselves, which through a sociological perspective makes sense. Comfort comes from understanding something, and we tend to understand ourselves better than someone we don’t know.

However we are reverting back to an immature notion that because someone doesn’t look like us, means that we don’t understand him or her. When frankly this is not true.

3.    We struggle with notions of masculinity and femininity.

We are using outdated versions of what it means to be masculine and feminine to classify a group of people that do not fall strictly into either category, as most don’t in today’s world.

We create an internalized homophobia based off of how “masc” or “straight-acting” someone should or should not be, when in fact both of these terms are ridiculous as straight people do not claim to be acting at all.

4.    We are obsessed with looks and perfection.

So much of gay life revolves around appearances: what you look like, what your friends look like, where you are hanging out, what you are doing, etc.

Sure, there are different personality types, different interests and different activities that these groups like to partake in, but it all seems to stem back to a classification system, and finding the most “fabulous” and perfect versions of each of these things.

5.    No one explicitly knows our past.

Unless we decide to share it, but even then it is a one-sided version of what happened.

When you grow up, and have friends from childhood there is a basic understanding of who you are. However, when you grow up and move away from everything you knew, you get to start over, for better or worse.

If we were more honest about our pasts, we would see that we all are more alike than we could ever imagine because we did face the same discriminations and bullying.

6.    Success makes you unpopular in a world where popular is apparently still a thing.

As gay men we work so hard to prove to others, and ourselves, that we are in fact amazing because we were told by ourselves, and others, for a period of time that we were anything but. However, once we get to the place we dreamt of for so long, we often find that those who were not so friendly become extremely friendly for self-serving purposes.

Furthermore, you find the better you are doing professionally, romantically, or whatever the case may be the more everyone else in the community has something to say about you.

7.    We create prejudices and separate ourselves.

We often create a level of competition that becomes so fierce that it hurts us as a community rather than pushing us forwards because we create subgroups within subgroups to classify our own community.

It’s not just the wolves, bears, otters, and the rest of the animal kingdom. It’s ageism, professionalism, racism, interest, neighborhoods, etc. that become how we look at one another.

Superficial things that have nothing to do with who someone is on the inside add up ones valance in such an excessive way that we often think of someone based off of insignificant things.

8.    Everyone is every kind of possibility.

Whether it be sexually, romantically, friendly or professionally we can all fill each others needs in multiple ways that do not exist in the straight world.

We often come into a new group with the thought that maybe one of these guys could be my boyfriend, or at least someone I’m into. However, someone may find you attractive, but you do not look at them the same way, so the dynamic is thrown because you would rather be friends while the other person would rather have sex. Thus, your purposes do not match.

9.    Everyone is connected.

This has become something that is more prevalent in today’s day and age because of social media, but literally every gay man seems to know, or at least have seen every other gay man. And if for some crazy reason you do not know each other, there is like one degree of separation.

Facebook, Instagram, and even Linkedin suggests you know X person because well, he’s gay. However, what this means is that we think we know each other, when we, in fact, do not.

10.  Our exes and friends can date each another.

To build upon the idea that everyone is a possibility and connected, we can date each other’s exes in a way the straight world will never experience. Sure, a girl can date her best girlfriend’s ex boyfriend, but the two never had a romantic connection that makes the relationship way more complicated.

We can become each other’s partners, sexual conquests, best friends, and ex-boyfriends. Our ex can date our best friend, who was someone we at one point could have been dating. The relationships that exist within the gay community are so complex, and run so deep that it feels like we are constantly surrounded by no one new, and in an endless connect the dots game that feels both familiar and obscenely disgusting.

The list could truly go on and on, but what we need to remember is that none of these points should be used as an excuse to why we cut each other down.

We need to remember: we all face the same discrimination; we want the same rights; we all want success; and that if someone in our community is doing well, we should applaud them, and give kudos, not gossip like children. When someone else succeeds, it doesn’t mean your chance for success diminishes. Rather, it means that your chance at success has been lit by a light even brighter than before.

Jealousy, bitterness, and gossip stem from an ugly place inside all of us that simply says: “I wish I could be doing what that person is doing.” “I want what that person has.”

Well, the thing is, you can! You just have to get out of your own way, stop focusing so much on others, and live your life for you and no one else.

When you find your authenticity and get over the cliques, the classifications, notions of masculinity and femininity, what you find is that you are simply you. An individual that wants happiness, love and respect. You won’t feel the need to tear others down, but rather build them up higher and higher.

We must go back to being a brotherhood before it’s too late, and claim our pride in a new way. Let’s lose the labels because they further perpetuate stereotypes that were put on us to make us look like savages, animals, deviants. Let’s lift each other up. Let’s make each other proud. Let’s define a new way to be gay. 

Rainbows. Romance. Reunions.

After a full weekend of adventuress and love, a fresh wave of joyful blessedness lingers.

Seeing a best friend, who knows your history, understands you in your simplest form, and reminds you of who you are is like being in an emotional paradise. An effortless love and adoration of energy connects between the two of you and you read each other’s minds. Smiles say everything. Eyes catch each other’s innocence from when you first met.

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You are back to being 9, but with a newfound maturity of experiences, love, journeys.

New stories to share, heartbreaks to cure, and catching up as if no time has passed take paramount importance. It has been years since we’ve seen each other, but as the true test of best friends go; it feels as if no time has passed.

Seeing one my chosen family members gave me a zap back to my past, present and future. She reminded me of who I was, who I am and who I want to be.

We danced into the wee hours of the night, talked for three days nonstop and had a series of firsts together.

Celebrating NYC pride for the first time was all the more special by having this gorgeous creature with me.

Rainbows reminded me of joy, hope, love and how far the gay community has come. Contagious smiles lit the streets, men held men hands, women kissed women and people of all sexualities came together. Respect. Understanding. Pride.

I shared many special moments throughout this weekend that I will remember forever. Connections of old and new, physically and metaphorically, tangible and spiritually. Dreams for a better tomorrow.

A weekend as sweet as this was not achieved by coincidence. This was the universe gifting me gloriousness. I say thank you by keeping a smile on my face, love in my heart, and graciousness in my soul.

Remember to carry these things with you. These invaluable yet free things will guide your way to a blissfulness that is simply spectacular.

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Dear You,

I’ve always been scared of the word man, today I take that word and own it!

I guess that I should start with the fact that I am an anomaly. A person that has never fit into one category, one group, one complete anything.  Parts of me fit here, fit there, but nothing has fit everywhere. It is something that I have learned to enjoy, as I am able to fuse into many situations and be rather comfortable. However, never completely belonging, being somewhat of an outsider, can be taxing. I’ve always felt the need to explain myself, to have others understand me because I feel as humans we are so complex that to make a snap decision is unfair. I’ve lived unfairly for a long time, and I pride myself on not letting that be who I am.

With that said, I want to tell you something. It is something many of you know. It is something that the people closest and dearest to me have known for a long time, but still something I want to share.

I am gay.

Just writing it, even though it is something I haven’t hidden and have come to terms with sends a rush of adrenaline through my body. A metaphorical last bit of chip on my shoulder disintegrates, that last 5 pound weight is lifted from what was holding me down, a lightness has washed over me. I am free.

This minute detail in the complexity of who I am ultimately means nothing to me, but so much at the same time.

As far back as I can remember this trivial fraction of who I am has haunted me because I was in fact gay, but did not know it for myself. Sure, looking back at life and how I loved Barbie, my best friends were girls and I was sensitive could all be “tell-tale signs,” but why? Why did you care what I liked? Why did you care who I played with? Why did you care I was sensitive? Why did you care that I was gay?

I think what is so hard for me is that I probably would’ve come out much sooner, but being labeled the gay kid when you in fact do not identify with who that person is supposed to be is so hard on one’s psyche. You fight so hard against something that you don’t even have a problem with, but just don’t connect with that it becomes a constant struggle. Had all the people I had pushing this on me just let me be me, I would’ve been able to figure out things so much quicker and without a sense of fear, pressure and hardness.

It is not anyone’s job to tell someone else who he or she is supposed to be. It was not your job to tell me who I am. Who I am supposed to be. Who I am going to be. That is my job. My journey to take. My life to unfold.

I know that this is something that everyone deals with to some extent, gay or straight, but the amount of focus I was subjected to on a daily basis from people I would call my peers, but were rather bullies unable to figure themselves out, was so daunting and constant that I cannot feel as if I was constantly under a magnifying glass. Those people who had their own issues to deal with, but were too cowardly to look them in the eye and focus on themselves, so turned their attention on someone who was an easy target. A happy kid, who had a lot going for him, me. It wasn’t just kids either, it was parents, teachers, strangers. I was happy just being me, I didn’t know exactly who I was, nor do I now, but I continue to be happy, “gay” if you will because I learned valuable life lessons so early on. 

At the age of six I watched my mother, my hero, fight for each day of her life. She was stricken with an illness that I to this day do not understand, but know it was life altering. When you see someone you love slowly die, you realize very quickly that time is precious and you must enjoy every minute of life. This life-changing event will forever stay with me, and continue to remind me that I will not live a life that just goes through the motions, but to live a life that is full, whole, happy and loving. Luckily, I can say I still have my mom 19 years later. It hasn’t been without ups and downs, but nonetheless she is still here and fighting.

I share this story with you because it truly was “that moment in life” that acts as a foundation of who we are to become. It is the oldest, most vivid memory I have, and physiologist will say it is the traumatic life event that leads to my hopes and fears, dreams and ambitious, problems and neurosis. I like to think that I have been very in touch with my own emotions and feelings, and that I have used this event as a way to understand myself and adjust to the world. I understand it, I process it, and I use it to move forwards rather than harp and feel victimized.

Moving forwards and going back to “officially” coming out because in today’s society if it isn’t done via social media, is it even official? I want to explain how deciding to write this open coming out letter isn’t to serve my own purpose, but rather the person who happens to read this and understands what life is like for himself, herself or that kid they don’t get.

Its not about being comfortable with others its about being comfortable with yourself, which only gets harder the more people try to tell you who you are. In the multiple times I’ve come out to different friends or groups of people I’ve always went into the situation knowing that in the end these people would not have a problem with it, but would probably love me even more because they finally got to see my true self. I knew that the people I chose to have in my life were to put it simply, good people. They were and are people that loved me for me, who let me be me, who saw nothing but Barrett. All the hang-ups and stresses were my own insecurities wrecking havoc on me from years of verbal abuse from those bullies, not my friends, not my family. I also know that I unlike so many, am blessed and lucky because this is not the case for so many beautiful people. For that I thank my friends and family for being the amazing angels they are.

It is also easy to finally say all this because I have had the chance to live in New York City, where being an individual is praised. I have lived in Los Angeles where I had time to leave all that I knew and focus on finding out who I really was. I’ve given myself multiple explorations and adventures to find more and more vignettes that comprise who I am as a whole. Each step of the way has been scary, different and sparked something new in me, but it has been important and I have tried to appreciate every moment as best as I can to understand that I will never be in this specific place in my life again. I may end up somewhere similar, but never an exact replica of each moment.

I have learned that I don’t fit in and I never will. I have learned it’s the best thing in the world to stand out in a crowd. To be that light in darkness. I have also learned that you will never be able to please everyone, so if you can please yourself than let that light shine as bright as that fiery mass in the sky.

I’ve also learned what I think so many LGBT people have a hard time learning in the beginning, there is not just one specific idea of what it means to be gay. Everyone feels the need to put everything into a box, a category, a specific. What I have found is that there will always be many intricate facets that collaborate to create the unique being that is me. A stereotype is something that we use to make sense of the world, but I do not think in my case it serves me as much positive as it does negative because in the end I am still my own man.

I think the way so many gay men refer to each other as “her” or “she” is funny and playful, but I also think it is destructive. I am someone that looks at being gay as a piece of me. I do not want it to define my existence, my life. I will allow it to be present as it is part of me, but I do not want to live in a bubble that is all things gay. I think it is amazing that there are neighborhoods dedicated to gay communities. It is an environment of comfort for so many, who probably had never felt such comfort before. It is a place to be one version of yourself and not worry about making anyone else feel uncomfortable. But to close yourself off from things because there is no gay undertone is dangerous and in my opinion leads to a different kind of hazard. A false sense of real.

My friends and I joke that being gay is “cool.” What I really think we mean is that it is finally not the deviant, the monster. Yes, gays are popping up everywhere and times are changing. Things like the new TV show Looking, the marriages performed at the Grammys, and the daily celebrity coming out all exemplify how being gay is becoming just another “normal” in our abnormal world. However, I think it is important to recognize the fact that there is still so much progress to be made, and so many obstacles to overcome as a world. Gay still equates to bad or wrong in so many places here and abroad. Its hard sometimes to fathom this as I am someone who has lived in a liberal metropolis for almost 10 years, but it is still very real for so many gay brothers and sisters.

Being gay is an ever-confusing concept to not just straight people, but to gays as well. I think that so many of us suffer from daddy issues, mommy issues, both or none. I definitely have both. We are in the same constant search for love as everyone else. We confuse sex with love, love with sex. We are looking to fill an empty void in us, sometimes more so because for so long we couldn’t figure out why people looked at us differently. We use hook-up apps to fulfill basic needs, and then call ourselves sluts.  We use dating apps to try and fill deeper needs, and then are left feeling like there is no one out there for us. We go on first dates, which sometimes lead to a second, or nothing at all. We go to bars to see and be seen. We hang out with our friends to remind us that we have people we love and equalize us back out. “We” in the end are just living day to day like everyone else. Yes, there are some differences, but in general there are far fewer between straight people and LGBT people than most would realize.

I have met many people recently, who have asked me to promise them that I will never change. Never become jaded to the world around me. Never loose my desire to find love, my ability to be open and honest and my pursuit to be as me as possible. I promise.

To the person who reads this and goes I’ve heard all this before, I say great! I by no means think I am saying something that hasn’t been said before. I am simply sharing my story, my thoughts, my struggles. The slogan, “it gets better,” is beyond true. I joke that coming out was the best thing I ever did for my personal and professional life, but to be honest it is true. There is an amazing network of LGBT people who run so many things that once you are ready to join will be waiting for you with open arms. Not only does it get better, it gets fucking amazing.

Since “accepting myself” and coming out I have met some of the most amazing people, experienced real love, saw the world with a new sense of beauty and darkness. Some things affect me more, while other things affect me less. Overall, since coming out I have become a man. A real man.

I hope something I have written resonates with you. I am going to continue to share my life, my journey and my struggles with you. I feel it is important to have a voice and use it whenever possible. If I can help just one person feel more like him or herself than I feel all this will have been worth it.

All my love,

Barrett