It’s crazy how sitting at home can feel so different based off your relationship status.
A night home alone can feel recharging, relaxing, and welcomed when you’re in a relationship, but when you’re newly single it feels anxiety-ridden, overwhelming, and basically the exact opposite of how you want to feel.
Rather than snuggling, having sex, and just conversing with your partner, you now find yourself alone and void of distractions, which means you have to deal with the fact that your life has significantly changed, and it’s fucking scary.
As you light a candle, listen to some mellow music, and try to just be; sadness, confusion, and every not-so-fun emotion swirls in your head. You can’t help but think of the person, who regardless of your current status with, you love, and would’ve been sharing this night with.
Crazy is the name of the game, and yours is gaining traction with each second that ticks away.
You play out nonsensical scenarios in your mind that the other person is already in love with someone else, and you fight each insane thought, but the battle is up hill, and feels too real.
You think maybe you should dive right back into the giant pool of perspective people, the dating apps, the means of false connection, but then you collect yourself, and calm down.
You remind yourself that yes, you want love, but right now you need to do you. It isn’t going to be easy for a while, but one day it will feel beyond natural, and then maybe you’ll be ready for what’s next.
Your day is full of distractions, but by bedtime all the distractions are lost, and you simply have to deal with what is happening.
It isn’t fun to sit in your mind, but how could you not, you’ve lost your partner in crime, and all there seems to be is endless amounts of time.
Finally you push yourself to turn off the lights, to try and fall asleep, to just close your eyes.
Then peace falls upon you as you actually fall into a deep slumber.
The marathon that you’ve been running in your head is complete for the day, and while it isn’t an accomplished feat, you feel relief that you’ve made it through all those mind miles for the day.
The morning sun beacons you to rise as your room fills with light, and while you wake up hoping your hope has returned, you’re reminded that you’ve woken up alone, and things have changed.
You miss him.
You miss his stinky morning breath, the way you’d wake up to music as he got ready for work, and the playful morning moments.
It’s a fleeting memory that you’ll hold close for a while, but today it feels more real, too real, realer than you can handle.
Day 2 is upon us of this fresh start, but your body feels physical pains, and nothing about this morning feels natural or new.
You catch yourself spiraling, and feel the crazy quickly coming, so you reach out to a friend, someone who you love, but in a different way. Gradually the gloom of the morning lifts, and your discussion solidifies that you’re making the right decision no matter how shitty it feels.
Day 1 you felt powerful, strong and optimistic, but as you glide into day 2, you can already feel it’s going to be harder.
Uncertainty, confusion, and “is-this-right” begin today’s mental marathon, but rather than fight it, you lace up your shoes, take a few deep breaths, and get ready for all the emotional running that today will undoubtedly bring.
This morning will be just another morning, yes; a slight bit harder, but only that.
Distractions await you, loneliness will find you, but these moments to think are beyond important to healing your soul. You know you’ll have to deal with it sooner or later, so you find the gratitude in letting the process commence.
Taking it all in, finding your Zen, and remembering that this just simply isn’t the end becomes the mantra of the day, and makes you smile.
Your thoughts begin to shift, and you can feel yourself coming back to clarity.
Maybe one day you’ll even want to be friends, but for now just knowing that you got to know him as more than a friend feels somehow lucky.
You’re strong, you’re powerful, and you know you’ve got this.
Day 2 we’re ready for this.