What would happen if today you actually stopped beating yourself up, and treated yourself how you should be treated? Not because you suddenly have a brand new mindset, but because you are tired of being your own worst enemy, and realize putting yourself down isn’t actually making any changes.

What would happen if you stood in front of the mirror this morning, said hello gorgeous, and meant it? Not because you suddenly look differently, but because you finally realized there is no point in beating yourself up over the things that you can’t change in this very moment.

What would happen if you actually found a reason to be excited to go to work today? Not because you suddenly have a new job, but because you remember you are lucky to have a job in this economy, and that for better or worse, it’s where you are spending majority of your time, so you might as well find a reason to look forward to doing the work you’ve chosen to do.

What would happen if today you actually allowed yourself to eat healthy and enjoyed nourishing your body? Not because you suddenly stopped liking all the junk food and your tastebuds have changed, but because you realize this type of food will actually make your body, mind, and soul feel better.

What would happen if you didn’t just go through the motions of the day, but found reasons to be grateful you are alive? Not because you are dying, but because you remember how lucky you are to be alive.

What would happen if you allowed yourself to workout for at least 15 minutes today? Not because you suddenly love to, but because you know this will improve your overall health and well-being. 

What would happen if you went to bed not dreading waking up in the morning, but excited to have another day to live your life? 

Too many of us wake up and are not pumped for the day ahead because we have gotten stuck in a life we are not pumped to fully live in. Rather then thrive, we just start to exist. We follow the motions of getting ready, eating, or a lot of the time, not eating breakfast, and then going to work. Then we work work work at a job we aren’t completely satisfied with, and count the hours till lunch when we get to escape, or too often, eat at our desks. Then we go back to work work work, and just when we can no longer bare it, we realize it’s almost time to go home. We’ll dick around for an hour or two on the computer, so it looks like we are working, and then the time comes when its acceptable to leave, so we rush to get the f out of the office and into the real world. However, that only last for a few minutes before we are forced to sit on subways or in traffic to make it back home, which no longer feels like an oasis, but another place to just exist. We crash, turn into zombies that eat junk, watch crap TV, come up with excuses as to why we don’t need to workout, and fully become a shell of a being. We fall into a black hole of existence, and subconsciously black out all of our problems. Then before we know it, it’s time to go to bed, which means we become hyper aware that tomorrow is another day, we have to wake up at an hour we do not want to rise at, and go back to doing a job we aren’t passionate about doing.

Why? 

Because somewhere along our journey’s someone told us this was normal. Many of us saw our parents live this way, or we simply fell into a slump, and just accepted it.

Maybe it was slow and gradual, or maybe you found yourself in a giant crisis, during which it felt like everything imploded on you and your being. Honestly, it doesn’t matter how you’ve gotten here, all that matters is that you at least understand that you are here, and that this needs to change. You don’t need to change everything in your life suddenly to stop this destructive behavior that I call “existing zombie.” However, you do need to start somewhere, and the easiest place to start, is with your own mind.

Again, I fully understand that this is easier said then done, but the thing is, it needs to be done, and a few small changes will lead to a lot of big changes before you know it. And if you can’t change all the external forces that are making you one of these existing zombies, which I’m sure you are telling yourself right now, then the easiest thing to do is to change yourself.

By simply taking stock in the things you do have, rather than the things you don’t have, you will quickly see you have everything you need. Yes, maybe you don’t have all the money you want, all the clothes, trips, and whatever else we get hung up on, but you probably do have so many things that many other humans would kill for. Things like an able capable body that can move without medical assistance, two arms that are functioning, two legs that are functioning, eyes that see, a body that can breathe on its own, and ears that hear. And if you don’t have all of these things, you still have majority of them, which is still super fucking lucky.

If this doesn’t make you stop and think, “fuck, I am lucky,” then what about having a safe, clean, dry, warm place to sleep at night. How about having access to food whenever you want it, or clean drinking water, or a shower? I know these things don’t feel like much because you’ve probably had them for a long time, but that’s the thing, when we reflect on all that we have, we realize the rest is all bullshit, and these things are actually not give-ins for everyone in life.

Yes, you’ve been programmed to think you need the coolest, the latest, the newest, but it’s not true. You don’t need any of that. What you need, you have. What you want is another story, and fully up to you. Additionally the more we let go of the wants, the more we leave space in our lives for the things that truly matter like gratitude, community, and altruism. The less stuff we acquire, the more space we have to explore mentally and physically. The more we appreciate those around us, the less likely we are to feel the need to escape to a fantasy we’ve created about someone we lust after via social media, or some other random channel.

I know to some of you, this may all seem obvious, and to others it may seem rather hippy dippy, but there is a reason you’ve read this far, and why you came to my blog in the first place. Maybe it was curiosity. Maybe it was my image. Maybe you accidentally hit a button that took you here. Whatever the reason, you are here, so all I ask you in this moment is to simply stop, take a breath, and say 5 things you are grateful for. If you roll your eyes, and think I don’t want to, then you my friend are the person that needs this even more than others because you are running from yourself, your life, your mind, and this is not healthy..

I promise life doesn’t have to continue to be this way, and it won’t. You just have to chose to keep pushing to find the light. It won’t always be easy, but it will always be worth it.

Besides what’s the worst thing that could happen? You end up in a more peaceful, happier, and gracious place then you are in now. That’s the worst thing that could happen, so don’t even try to go down the negative rabbit hole of what ifs because what you are forgetting is there is all the beautiful what ifs waiting for you on the other side.

So, what would happen if you stopped beating yourself up today?

Feel free to leave your doubts, your fears, your secrets below, and together we will get through this. It truly is one day at a time.

Much Love,

Barrett

After only a few months of getting to know each other, you’re not quite sure where the “relationship” is going, but you know that you are enjoying getting to see this human being. You have sleep overs, hangouts, and you’ve begun the process of meeting each others friends. You share thoughts and ideas, wants and desires, and vibing in general feels really good.

Then you hear them say your name in a different way, their look changes, and you know what’s about to happen. You’re being dumped.

Can you even call it getting dumped? You were never official. You did meet his brother and sister in law, who were lovely. Once. You took a trip to a foreign country together, which was super fun. Once. But there was never any talks about what you were, or where “it” was going. 

You were just two people enjoying the process of getting to know each other, or at least that is what you thought. While you weren’t in love, it still makes you question yourself.

Am I too much? Am I good enough? Am I attractive enough? All these questions swirl in your mind, and that negative voice in your head grows louder and louder. You know it isn’t healthy, and you know you’re a catch in many ways, but you can’t help and allow your ego to feel bruised and hurt.

Sure, you want a relationship, but it wasn’t like you needed to get married tomorrow. You just really liked having someone sweet around, who gave you compliments, made you feel good, and who you got to be there for as well. You liked sharing bagels at 3 am, laughing, and then going home together. You liked bopping to music, hearing about what they wanted out of life, and being inspired by someone who was also inspired in some ways by you.

Yes, you weren’t falling in love yet, but you saw yourself being able to fall in love with them in the future, and that is what a mature relationship looks like. Thinking you’re in love right away, as we learn, usually means you’ve confused lust for love, and that shit ain’t healthy. Simply put, this just felt different, easier, and in many many ways, lovely.

But that’s all over for now because you got dumped.

Here’s the thing though, you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been dumped before. You’ve dumped someone before. It’s the circle of dating, and while it hurts now, all you have to do is remember that this too shall pass. 

Yes, you liked this good human. They were even kind enough to sit down with you face to face, and communicate maturely where they are at in life. You understand as much as you don’t want to, and because of that you accept that you are just not who they are looking for at this point in their life. 

It sucks. It sucks a lot, and it’s ok to admit that. However, the key is to not get stuck in these harder feelings, and to remember that this too is just another lesson.

Yes, we all want to find our lobster, our penguin, our person, but we can’t force anyone to be with us, nor do we want to. Timing is everything, and right now it’s your time to be dumped, take some time to reflect, dust yourself off, and continue to hike your own hike because that’s all we can do until someone even more amazing comes to join us on this wild adventure we call life.

Stay strong all my lovers and dreamers, your time is coming sooner than you know.

XO

Barrett

DEAR BOYS

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Dear Boys,

Be a man they will say. 

Let me tell you what this means.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be open. Learn to communicate. Don’t be afraid to cry. Don’t be afraid to be afraid. Don’t lash out. Don’t think being mean is cool. Don’t think being cool is important. 
Be open. Don’t feel like you have to hold everything in. Don’t think you have to go through all your problems alone. Don’t act like everything is ok if everything is not ok. Don’t hurt yourself. Don’t hurt others.

Be strong. But not just physically strong, be emotionally and spiritually strong. Don’t worry about having a six pack and muscles that hold no purpose except to look a certain way. Don’t focus solely on your exterior. Don’t think you have to play sports that hurt your brain and your body to prove that you are strong. Don’t get lost in sports. It’s ok to feel lost. Ask for help.

Be fluid. Don’t think you have to prescribe to labels. Don’t be afraid to hug your friends. Don’t be afraid to give your dad a kiss on the check. Don’t think that being gay makes you less than. Don’t think showing love to others makes you weak. Show love always. Wear whatever colors you want. Grow your hair long. Wear makeup. Express yourself fully without limitations. 

Be polite. Hold the door open for others. Say please and thank you. Remember to put the seat down. Use your words to express how you feel, not your fists. Use your brain. Admit when you are wrong. Speak up when you see something you don’t agree with. Stand up for others. 
Be humble. Don’t be proud. Don’t let pride guide you. Don’t let your ego get in the way of making smart choices. Be honored by second place. Be honored you got to play at all. Understand your privilege. Use it with grace and compassion.

Follow the law. Don’t touch anyone who hasn’t given you permission. Don’t speed. Buckle your seatbelt. Respect women’s bodies. Respect other men’s bodies. Respect your body. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t drink too much. Remember your choices will have consequences. Think before you act. Think before you do anything. Be smart.

Boys we can no longer just be boys. Men it’s time we stood up and said NO MORE to other men.

What is something you’ve felt has been pushed on you by society, your family, or other external forces that don’t align with who we should be?

Much Love,

Barrett

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As we watch cultural trends shift away from binary gender roles, the gay community is experiencing its own shift away from the same masculine ideals that have plagued straight men. We, as a community of men, are starting to ask the tough questions. We are also challenging how straight men perpetuate homophobia and how that pushes internalized homophobia on us.

What have we been doing wrong? Have we been following antiqued ideals of masculinity to gain acceptance? Are these ideals being pushed on us by straight men who gay bait us? If so, what does that mean? Do we continue to follow something that was never truly indicative of who we are? If we allowed ourselves the freedom to truly be, who we wanted to be, without worrying about fitting into cultural norms, who would we be? Ultimately, are we happy following our straight male counterparts notions of what it means to be a man?

With the rise of movements like Me Too and Times Up, straight men are having to look in the mirror, and ask these tough questions, which means that we, as gay men, no longer feel as much pressure to be like them. If anything they are becoming more and more like us, and stealing OUR culture. Add to the fact that younger generations are no longer so caught up on labels, and the perfect storm for self-expression emerges. Words like queerness, fluid, pansexual have taken rise and inclusion has become more important now, than ever.

Yes, we still have a long way to go in terms of equality. Yes, our LGBTQIA brothers and sisters are facing their own battles in acceptance, visibility, and rights. However, as things like Ru Paul’s Drag Race, Queer Eye, and Adam Rippon become staples in not just queer homes, but all homes, it feels like a new type of gay man is emerging out in the public. Someone that is unapologetically himself, whether you like it or not, although it looks like majority of our world not only likes him, but loves him. One that isn’t who the straight men have taught us to be and perpetuated us to be through homophobic stereotypes and dangerous misrepresentations of us.

This new queer man is someone you might see taking the latest fitness class, but also who isn’t afraid to wear nail polish to work, a skirt out, and just be queer. He is someone who is masculine, but also not afraid of his feminine side, and it is refreshing, exciting, and important. After

Never before have we had so many out and visible different types of gay men. More athletes, actors, politicians, and public figures across the board are out and proud. We needed this. While there still is a huge focus on the gay white male, we are slowly seeing our brothers of all different creeds, colors, ages, ethnicities, socio-economic backgrounds, etc take the stage. This has been long overdue. We truly needed this so badly. 

Young gay boys no longer see just Jack McFarland or Will Truman as the two types of gay men that they could possibly grow up to be. They now have movies like Love, Simon or Call Me By Your Name, which simply show young men figuring out themselves and who they want to be. They are young men, who happen to be gay, not solely gay young men. They are multifaceted human beings experiencing life lessons and struggles that all adolescents go through. It’s heart-warming, tear-inducing, and more than anything, human.

In the movie, Love, Simon, there is a powerful and thought provoking scene that shows all of Simon’s peers coming out to their families as straight. While it’s cute, charming, and funny, it’s also poignant, in that it addresses an absurd idea that straight is the norm, and only gay children need to have a sit down with their friends and families to express their sexuality. What a beautiful thought to think that all children have an opportunity to connect deeper with their families by “coming out,” and further debunks some wild notion that normal equates to straight.

Lastly, the idea that these types of men aren’t just the gay best friend, but leading roles and role models means that real progress is on the horizon. While the “Fab 5” from Queer Eye are all having an incredible moment, Jonathan Van Ness, seems to be the shows stand out as he is literally everywhere at the moment. With that said, each man from this show is truly doing something beyond important, both culturally and historically. 

Adam Rippon stole the hearts of nearly everyone who watched him skate his way to a silver medal at the Olympics, and as someone who never “passed,” it’s soul healing to watch. While the numbers are still few and far between for these type of standout roles, or the platforms to create them, I think we are on the verge of a real shift happening, and I’m proud to stand with all the men doing the hard work, so that future generations won’t have to think twice about any of this.

I do want to remind all the lovely ladies reading this to please remember that just because we are gay, doesn’t make us “fabulous.” We are fabulous for the hard work we put into being better humans; for the fact that we still have to face an incredible amount of stigmas and hate, yet face it with class and grace, as well as an insane amount of other reasons. So please, get to know us before you throw that fabulous word at us. I definitely don’t speak for everyone when I say this, but it makes a lot of us feel like your pet, when that’s the first thing that comes out of your mouth. Finally, pretty please don’t assume that just because you have a gay bestie, he’s perfect for us, or that we will click right away. We get that you’re coming from a good place, it’s just not fully appropriate. Just follow the golden rule, to assume anything, makes an ass of you and me.

Ultimately, being gay / queer never meant we were destined to be one specific way, and while so many of us had to experience this through countless ups and downs, hardships and confusions, it’s truly a gift to see so many men, especially younger ones, understanding that living authentically is truly the best way to simply be you. 

An ode.

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Being a homosexual

Means being multidimensional.

It starts with a struggle, confusion, an inner fight,

Ultimately reckoning with your own grit and might.

To be yourself, pure and true

And learning to not let anyone else determine who,

You will love, and who you will be

Because that is your own right when you are free.

We come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and ages

Velvet Rage explains the stages.

Moving to the big city,

Everything’s just so wild and pretty.

Shiny and new

You look up and say “Thank you!” 

Finally escaping the small town way

You’ll always remember your first day.

Meeting all kinds of men and  boys

It’s more fun than your childhood toys.

Gay bars galore.

An unhealthy search for more and more.

Broken hearts,

Feeling another mans parts,

Electricity is released inside

And your left wondering how could I ever hide?

This piece of me

That isn’t beastly.

It’s just different not good, not bad

And yes, some of us want to be a dad.

Learning the difference between sex and lust

And when a guy is just looking to bust.

Going to your first Pride,

Showing acceptance worldwide. 

Coming out stories,

Subcategories,

A whole animal kingdom

Is that how you spell come?

 Wolves, otters, and bears

Each determined by their own specific flares.

Gaga, death drops, and “girl please”

Make a queen come to her knees.

A vernacular all our own 

Words change with a shady tone.

Grindr

The sex finder.

A hot fuck

Feeling like a schmuck.

Dancing till the sun comes up

Dealing with that guy that says, “Sup?”

Fire Island and P-Town

Experiencing a come down.

Limits are tested

Finding out how much you are truly invested.

Protest

We will never digress.

Standing for love

And rising above.

Being gay 

Means you were born this way.

We didn’t ask for this blessing in disguise 

But fuck it’s one amazing surprise.

A life unlike any other

In which you find many a brother

An indescribable bond

That truly goes beyond.

Never forget how lucky you are

And the progress you’ve made so far.

Sometimes it’s just nice to hear that you’re incredible 

Edible, 

Delicious and totally amazing,

So please keep those guns blazing.

I just wanted to let you know

That you’re beyond status quo.

You might not have heard this in a while,

But you’re crushing life and doing it in style.

Give yourself a pat on the back

And your tuckas a smack.

Hey gurl hey!

The amazing life of being a gay.

And why this needs to stop.

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If you’ve ever been around a bunch of gays at a party, a bar, or wherever then you’ve probably been a gossip, or gossiped about, and unfortunately this has become all too common.

How many times are you with a group of gays, and everyone is just having fun, then someone throws some shade, and before you know it, you’re all bashing someone you really don’t know that much about?

It’s a slippery slope.

I know I was a huge gossip in my elementary and high school years because I was gossiped about. I was the gay kid at school before I identified with being that person, and I didn’t like the negative attention I was receiving, so I tried to deflect this attention and gossiped about other people.

Unfortunately for many of us gays, we go through a second adolescence when we come out, which usually means moving to a bigger town or city, and submersing ourselves around other gays. I know I’ve felt like I was back in high school many times when I first moved to a new city, and being back in high school meant there was new people to gossip about.

Thus, the gossiping starts all over again. 

I know personally this would happen a lot when I first started hanging out with different groups of gays whenever I moved to a new city. The guys I would meet would talk shit, and I thought in order to fit in I also needed to have an opinion about everyone, but then I realized we were all talking about these other men because we didn’t want to talk about ourselves.

We were unhappy with our lives, and we didn’t want to admit it, so it was a lot easier to manipulate our jealousy into nasty comments about guys we barely knew.

After all we felt like we knew these different guys because someone we knew once slept with so-and-so, or we met dude X at a party once, and he was “a total dick.”

This idea of “knowing” someone is heightened in today’s social media obsessed world, and as gay men, it often feels like an even smaller world. Many of us live in gay bubbles, and through almost one degree of separation, we all “know” each other on some level. However, it’s really easy to forget that we don’t really know these guys, we just think we do.

We live in a culture that is hyper-sexualized, drug and alcohol filled, and image obsessed. Yes, this isn’t the case for everyone, and it’s not completely different than our straight counterparts’ world, but there is an extra level of complexity. We are different, and we are self-sabotaging ourselves with these unhealthy devices into thinking that we are happy, when we are in fact not dealing with bigger issues that sit deep within us.

We think that when we come out of the closet, we are freeing ourselves of all our problems, but the truth is, this is just the beginning to dealing with all of our baggage. It’s within this concept that gossiping becomes an almost programmed feature into our gay lives.

For many of us, we were the kid that was gossiped about. We were the person that wasn’t good enough, didn’t fit in, and was straight up uncool, and it hurt. So when we finally move to a big city, and find our gaggle of gays, it feels good to be accepted, and even more so desired.

We quickly forget what it felt like to be the outsider, and again it feels good. We were an outcast if not to our peers than in many ways to ourselves. Who would want to go back to that feeling?

Our egos are delicate, and our level of competition is often off the charts because we aren’t only men, we’re men competing for other men. Everyone becomes a possible lover, or someone to take away our lover. It can be beyond challenging to find our own inner confidence in this new world that we’re all figuring out, so we often look to outside validation, and building ourselves up at the cost of someone else.

However, as we continue neglecting the conversations that we need to have with ourselves, we often find ourselves even unhappier than before. We need to start gossiping about ourselves with ourselves.

As gay men, we’ve all dealt with differing levels of shame, and felt the need to cover up what makes us different. In doing so, we often project onto others what we don’t like about ourselves, and it’s doing us a great disservice.  

We need to stop being afraid to talk about ourselves, our problems, our feelings, our internal conflicts. We need to stop gossiping about others, and start talking about ourselves. This doesn’t mean we should all become crazed narcissist, but what it does mean is we need to start being honest.

Remember we talk about others when we don’t want to be talking about ourselves, and when life is good, you want to see other people happy and doing well. When you’re happy with your life, you want to talk about it, and inspire others to make positive changes as well.

Now more than ever, we need to build each other up, not tear each other down. So I challenge all of us to take a step back the next time we want to talk about someone else, and think is this a positive or negative thing that I’m about to say, and why do I want to say it?

When we finally get rid of the gossip, we start talking about what’s important, and that is a beautiful thing to be a part of.

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Who support and voted fro Trump,

What’s up? 

For dudes that were so loud, I feel like a lot of you have gotten really quiet, and I don’t even know where you all went? I feel like a lot of you recently have been feeling a little afraid. It’s not fun, right? 

I, and a lot of other people, know exactly how you’re feeling because, well, we have been afraid of you guys for a long time. I personally tried really hard to be a straight white dude. I even fought being authentically myself for like 20 years, but low and behold, I just never could fully play the part. Being ignorant, and mean for no reason didn’t really suit me. 

CRAZYYYYY, I know.

You see I can blend in with most of you when I’m just standing around. I’m also a white dude, just not straight, so unless I’m having sex with my partner in public, I assume most of the time I can blend somewhat in. I mean, I’m pretty gay after all, but you get the point.

What I’m trying to say is, why you tripping boo?

I’m not saying all of you are afraid of your masculinity being challenged by, well, basically anyone that isn’t a straight white dude. It’s not like it’s a super delicate flower or anything, but it feels like you’re kind of worried a lot about everyone else’s personal lives. 

Like why do you care so much that someone might be Muslim, that a dude might want to marry another dude, or that women want to have the rights to make decisions for their own bodies?

Do you think you should always have the right away, and be privileged based upon nothing specific?

Again, I’m not trying to say you’re feeling weird, but it feels like you feel weird.

Did you once have a weird thought about another guy? Does that woman wearing a hijab confuse you because you’ve never seen one? Do you think you’re entitled to do whatever you want with your boner because no one told you that no means no?

Look, I get it, you basically have been told you’re better than everyone else for your whole life, so when a black guy, a muslim girl, or a gay dude comes around you feel uncomfortable. Different is scary at first, and the fact that you’re so worried about everyone else’s lives would make you think we are really worried about yours, but we’re not.

We don’t want to take away your rights, the same way you’ve tried to suppress or taken away ours. We don’t want to convert your kids, we just want to make sure they’re educated, open-minded, and overall nice human beings. We want this planet that we all live on to be protected so you can also live here safely, and we think clean water is more important than making some rich white straight republican dude even richer.

I promise you money isn’t everything. Especially when you have no planet to live on.

Does this sound dramatic? It does kind of, but this is literally what millions of us around the world are worried about because of you guys.

Don’t get me wrong, I know it wasn’t just you bros, there was also the Trump Twats, the self-loathing blacks, gays, and any other minority that thought voting for Trump was a good idea that voted for him. However, you guys were the biggest turn out, and you guys are the ones that have grown up to now be the leaders of our country, so we kind of need to have a real chat.

Here’s the thing, you might think you’re totally open minded, and only voted for Trump because of one issue, but as you can see, you voted a monster into office because you wanted some reject frat bro to make you feel heard again, not great again because our country was actually thriving. 

Again, I know different is scary, but different doesn’t mean bad. Different is how we think beyond the confines of how we’ve always lived, and created amazing technologies, positive and progressive social movements, and made the world a better places for the next generation of kids, which include yours.

I know you’re worried about your guns, your kids, and your really special lives, but your guns aren’t more important than who I can marry. Your kids aren’t any more important than everyone else’s, and your lives are actually being hurt by criminalizing diversity.

I’ve been searching for you since the election because I feared we’d end up here, and now that we have, you’re really hard to find.

Don’t worry you’re not my type, that’s definitely not what this is about, but I would love to sit down and talk. I feel like if you came out of your bubble, and maybe saw what life was like in other parts of the country and world, you’d see how nice us snowflakes really are. 

We believe in equality for all, including you, and we think a hit of marijuana, legally of course, would take a lot of the edge off, but let’s be honest, we know you’re secretly smoking the stuff. We think all religions deserve to be practiced, although, personally I feel like they’re just tearing us apart. We believe that love is love, and what one person does in the privacy of their bedroom doesn’t affect anyone else, it’s been proven for years, and men and women are in fact equal. Race is just something that makes us beautifully colorful in a room, when everything is white it’s quite boring, think of like a hospital. Not so welcoming, right?

Anyways, what I’m really trying to say is, wake up! We, the diverse, educated, differing socio-economic, transgender loving, Muslim accepting, black lives matter believing, feminists, eco-friendly, gay friendly human beings of the world need you to join us in protecting our country, and ultimately the world. We want to keep America great, but make it even greater, and as you can see that’s just not happening.

So let’s be friends. Let’s hang out. Let’s talk, let’s do this quickly because time is of the essence, and you need to use your white heteronormative privilege now.   

We sincerely appreciate it!

And as always much love!

The new and ever changing faces of diverse America.

M is for masculinity.

As I’ve been watching, reading, and observing all different videos and articles about gay culture, one theme has really hit a cord with me, and it’s the idea of masculinity that plagues our community.

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For a long time it was seen as desirable to be as “masculine” as possible, so that one could “pass.” The idea of passing as a straight man was widely considered to be a beneficial thing because it allowed you to be looked as “normal,” and not experience the discrimination and bullying that comes when one doesn’t “pass.”

However, while there are many problems with this notion from the very beginning, I understand why historically many men just wanted to get by. With that said, I find it incredibly disheartening to watch so many men today, especially on dating apps, be overtly discriminatory within the very community that they belong to.

I never passed, so I know the true hardships that come from standing out. I was gay to others before I even knew I was gay, and it wasn’t a friendly welcoming experience from those others, so I get it.

The idea that being more or hyper masculine equates to something more enticing for a large portion of our community speaks to a greater insecurity, and an internal-homophobia that still exists in a large way. As Alan Down explains in The Velvet Rage, “when we were denying that we were gay, we acted as if we were straight. ‘Acting as if’ meant that we had to split our lives into two parts: One part was the acceptable, public self. The other part was the secretive, darker self.” The idea of “splitting” is an especially damaging occurrence because as we grow older, and even after we come out as gay, we “continue to split off unacceptable parts of ourselves.”

Thus, anything that may feel like it isn’t masculine or heteronormative becomes something that many gay men still fear, and why there still is a huge divide within the gay community. Things like race, gender norms, ageism, body types, socioeconomic status, and a multitude of other things create a huge divide amongst a large group of men, who are all gay.

Yes, just because you’re gay doesn’t mean that you have to prescribe to a set way of being. In fact, I think that is part of the beauty in being gay. We get to challenge what's normal to be uniquely ourselves; however, when we start to divide ourselves into some sort of hierarchy based off of what is deemed more acceptable as men, a larger problem exists.

I think it’s incredibly important to further this conversation by looking at the definition of the word masculine. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines masculine as, “having qualities appropriate to or usually associated with a man.” 

Where in this definition does it say anything about deep voices, super worked out bodies, and specific styles of grooming and dress? No where. 

Society has created an idea of what masculinity is supposed to be in order to put binary restrictions onto not just men, but also what women are supposed to be in comparison. Our consumer culture has further perpetuated this for hundreds of years in order for things to be neat and tidy, and sell us male targeted merchandise. Well, the world isn’t so neat and tidy, and as we’ve seen nothing has imploded yet.

To take this one step further, men, while being masculine, have been taught to be less expressive, less sensitive, and to hide their feelings. What this has to lead to is a large group of men that are mentally unhealthy, and unable to open up when they truly need to, gay and straight. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention states that “men die by suicide 3.5 times more often than women,” which is heavily related to not taking care of one’s own mental health.

As men we’re taught to keep our bodies strong, but not our minds strong. We need to have a real discussion of how detrimental this truly is, and let it become a common practice for men, and women, to know that it’s beyond important to open up and share how you’re feeling.   

Furthermore, I think more gay men need to realize that coming out isn’t the answer to all your problems, it’s actually the very beginning to authentically addressing all the other real problems you carry in that expensive baggage that weighs so much. Let’s be serious, all the fabulous things in your life aren’t going to be able to overcompensate for the lack of self-love that sits on the very shallow surface. I know, I’ve been there.

The desire to pass in today’s world is still a very large complex for many gay men, but the thing is, whether you’re passing or not, you’re still a dude that likes dick, and that makes you gay. We need to start diversifying social cliques, interactions, and be more inclusive within our already discriminated against community.

I think we need to start defining masculinity, or what is thought of as more masculine, in terms of being a good human, being emotionally and mentally intelligent, and not being a tool. In my opinion a real man is someone who stands up for what they know to be the greater good, is accepting and loving to all people regardless of their differences, and doesn’t lead with their dick, but with their heart. 

As gay men we'll never fully pass because we aren’t straight. At the end of the day you may want to walk around in public like you’re some machismo dude who wants to sleep with every women, but the thing is, you still like dick. To be honest the more we acknowledge how amazing this difference makes all of us, the more likely we are to finally break down our own internal barriers, feelings of shame, notions of outdated masculinity, and start to see our community change for the better.

It’s time we let go of who we think we’re supposed to be based off of heteronormative ideals because those ideals don’t fit us, and if we're being completely truthful, those ideals don’t seem to be working out so well for our straight counterparts as well. Let’s show the world what real men look like, and finally let go of that excess baggage too many of us are carrying around.

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It’s sabotaging you. 

That little voice inside of your head that says “You’re better than him; She’s not half as smart as you; It’s not your fault,” is the negative energy that will stunt your growth, and will be constantly looking to find other’s guilt. It’s the thing that will hold you back from finding love, your ultimate dreams, and the community that wants all of those things for you.

Yes, it’s a hard pill to swallow, but removing your ego gives you the power to control your life. It’s what allows YOU to finally take responsibility for YOUR actions, and remove the blame we often want to place upon others. Through this process you’ll be able to pin point your own character defects, which we all have, and commence the phase of your life that leads with love.

If you aren’t living a life that looks to create then you are, by contrast, living a life that destroys in some way. This life is one that leads from a place of hurt and pain. 

Neale Donald Walsch in Conversations with God, shows that “when you ‘c’ things correctly, you become Creative, rather than Reactive,” simply by moving where the letter c sits in those two words.

While it’s extremely uncomfortable to confront the internal pain that we hold, the longer we let it sit in the driver seat of our lives, the longer it controls us, not vice versa.

Our character defect is the thing that we often neglect because it’s a large part of how we identify ourselves. It’s usually the piece of us that plays the role of victim, and while you may not have had control over other peoples’ actions, you, right now, hold the power to say, “no more!”

You in this moment get to decide who’s driving your life. 

Remember by finally jumping into that driver’s seat, you aren’t neglecting, or getting rid of all the hurt and pain, you’re simply saying, “I’m in control. I see you, Pain. I’m even willing to let you come on this journey, and sit in the passenger seat, but don’t you dare act up, and don’t even think about touching the radio.

On a personal note, I know how hard it is to make this transition, especially when you feel neglected and hurt from people that you love: parents, extended family, romantic relationships, etc. However, those people don’t care how much you blame them. In fact, they probably blame you for many of the things you blame them for, so there’s really no winning.

There’s a famous quote that says, “Holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent-free in your mind,” and I don’t know about you, but it seems insane to let such prime real estate go for free. Holding a grudge has even been highly associated with a “history of heart attacks, high blood pressure, arthritis, back problems, headaches, chronic pain, and stomach ulcers” according to a study conducted at the Medical College of Georgia.

To take it one set further, how often do you hold yourself hostage inside of your own negative thoughts? We say things to ourselves that we would never dream of saying to our worst enemy. 

Why? 

Because we’re taught that to think highly of ourselves means we’re cocky, arrogant, or self-absorbed. It’s a tool that people, who are insecure and in positions of power, facilitate to manipulate us into thinking we aren’t good enough to question their authority, to question the system, to question everything. However, when you start to love yourself from a place that says, ‘I’m no better than any other, and we’re all equal,” you start to truly lead with love.

You need to stop coddling your weaknesses, and start claiming your strengths. For when you do, you no longer hold onto the predetermined story of who you think you are. 

How often do you say, “It’s just the way I am,” and use that as an excuse to perpetuate something that’s holding you back?

When you change the story of who you think you are, you start to change how others look at you, and ultimately begin to heal the part of yourself that feels that hurt and pain so deeply.

Marianne Williamson has said, “sad days aren’t bad days,” and it’s something that we need to hold close to our hearts and our brains, especially with the current political climate that we’re living in. We need to use these sad days as vehicles to learn, and set ourselves free from fear, and ultimately the internal dialogue that holds us back, our egos.  

When you know your strengths, and your weaknesses, you’re able to shift those weaknesses into strengths, and ultimately find your true power, which is to positively affect the world in some way.

Now more than ever we need an army of mindful warriors that uses love to ignite the change we need so badly.

Rid yourself of your ego, and find your greatest dreams finding you.

And replaced it with the word love.

I by no means am looking to take anything away from anyone, but simply make a point.

What if every time we were to use the word gay, we actually said the word love. I know that anytime I discuss my sexuality to someone else what I'm ultimately trying to say is that I love.

Whether it's the word gay, fluid, homosexual, or whatever slang you prefer to use, I know that we're all trying to drive the same message home, which is that we love who we love.

We don't get to pick who that is, and we don't know why some of us love men, while others love women. What we do know is that we're all looking for the same things: acceptance, happiness, and love.

What if we stopped using the words straight, heterosexual, and all words that tried to neatly define sexuality because it isn't a neat little box that we all fit into, and the more we try to make people fit into something that doesn't exist the more we separate ourselves.

What if we actually stopped fighting each other, and saw past gender, race, sexuality, and all other differences that make us feel so foreign to one another? 

Would we finally remove power away from those who now monopolize it? Would we finally start to let love just be love? Would we finally be able to change the world?

I know this is a very extreme thought, and one that may never see the light of day, but what if?

I can't help but think about Orlando, about all those victims, and about the fact that it truly could've been me or anyone I know.

How can we think about anything else when this is the main topic of conversation on most media outlets, and rightfully so?

I can't help but think about how short life is, and how ridiculous it is that we're still having the same conversations, yet we're left swimming in circles. 

As I wrap up my 700 mile hike along the PCT, I'm forced to reflect on how different life has been when there are no comparisons. No gays, no straights, no CEOs, no McMansions, no salaries, no excess, just people enjoying life at it's simplest form. 

As hikers we simply carry our backpacks, and that is all we have. Sure we're not all the "same," but we live with the same purpose.

We all have our stories, we all have our pasts, we all have questions we're looking to answer, and most importantly we all have the search for love, happiness, and acceptance guiding us as we walk mile after mile.

In the wake of this horrific event I have challenged myself to get even more out of my way, and honor every last bit of myself because we don't know when our last day is, and I refuse to go through life thinking, "I wish," so in honor of my lost brothers and sisters I did something I've always wanted to do, and dyed my hair blue.

It's something that makes me unable to hide in a crowd, which was something I desperately wanted to do while growing up, and trying to hide from my sexuality. It's something that connects me even further to the rainbow flag that represents an amazing group of people I am privileged and honored to call my family. It's something that says I will never hide from who I am deep inside, a human, not a man or woman, looking to show, spread, and feel love because that is all we have.

My heart, not my prayers and thoughts, goes out to all those who have been affected by the shootings in Orlando. Thoughts and prayers have become a soundbite used by many politicians, who don't actually seem to care. May this finally be the catalyst that creates change, so that we no longer have to have these conversations.

Never stop dancing, keep on kissing, and remember love truly is love.

If you'd like to help all those affected by this tragedy then click here, or follow this link: https://www.gofundme.com/pulsevictimsfund. 

Coach Motorcycle Jacket

Is something I heard in some form everyday of my life growing up.

From as far back as I can remember, I was bullied so badly that I would often go home and cry, wishing that tomorrow I would wake up as a different person.

I was bullied well into parts of college, and still today experience moments of bullying; however I no longer wish I could wake up as someone different.

I feel like a lot of people don’t understand just how horrible it was for me growing up because they see the person I’ve become. Someone who has found his stride, grew out of his awkward phase, and learned not to be embarrassed about who he is.

I wish I could say that I even forget about those awful days, but that just isn’t true, and I consciously make sure I never will because those life experiences taught me so much.

Being bullied relentlessly takes a toll on your soul in ways that one could never imagine unless they’ve experience it as well. It crushes your confidence; it makes you feel embarrassed to chase your dreams; it makes you feel like you truly are worthless, and in extreme cases, like you aren’t worthy of living a life.

To be honest, I can say I’m one of the lucky ones that never got to that extreme feeling, and when I really think about why, it’s because of my friends.

Growing up I moved around a lot, and for anyone who has ever been the new kid, you know just how hard that can be. Well, imagine being the new kid, but you have a giant red target on your back because you’re different.

I dreaded the first day of school every year that we moved because I knew kids, who felt threatened by my differentness would subject me to an unyielding torture.

Survival mode kicked in, and you just wanted nothing more than to be invisible.

However, what would save me each time I moved was the kindness that someone for some reason would show me. Kindness that they didn’t have to show me, kindness that might make them a target as well, kindness that came from just being a humane person, and kindness that they didn’t realize was saving my life.

To this day, those people, who took the risk at being my friends, are still people I go to in times of need. They’re the people, who I’m not blood related to, but blissfully bound to for life by compassion, love and yes, kindness.

An event I recently attended, and an article I recently read, reminded me of how far I have come, and how far many of us have come, all because of the kindness we were shown by others. 

Unfortunately, not all of us are lucky enough to make it to this point, and that is the fact I hope to remind you of while reading this piece.

Yes, many of us have grown up to become better versions of ourselves and leave those bullied little boys and girls behind; however, we should never forget about that weaker, sadder, and lost soul.

This is not to say that you should sit and stew in that old version of yourself because that is equally unhealthy.

What we should do is remember.  

Remember what it feels like to be on the outside, remember what it feels like to be so isolated, remember what it feels like to be an outcast because we were different. And then we should remember to offer our kindness in small ways everyday because you never know whose life you’re going to change, or save, with a simple act of kindness.

This isn’t a new idea, but it’s one that I feel needs to be shared more now than ever because we’re constantly bombarded with so many messages of hate.

Donald Trump, ISIS, the new legislation being passed in Mississippi and North Carolina, terrorist attacks in Africa, Europe, and here in the United States make things look very dark.

We don’t need others to fail to succeed. We don’t need others to feel badly about themselves for us to feel great about ourselves. We don’t need to put someone else down to build ourselves up.

Rise above the bullying, shut down the gossiping, be the example you wish to see in the world.

And lastly, remember to let your light shine beyond bright for others to see, so that they too remember, we all have moments of ups and downs, and sometimes it just takes a kind soul to turn things around.

I dedicate this to my friends. The people who without realizing it showed me my own light and helped find my direction in life.

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What is perfect?

I state this as my own observation and thoughts. I know many will not agree with what I say, but such is life.

Additionally, I share my own story to shed light on my own journey, and show a side that is not commonly discussed, not for sympathy or praise.

Beauty and aesthetics go hand and hand within gay culture. We, as a community of men, are incredibly visual. We are naturally programed to see, want, conquer, etc. 

It’s this idea that, in my opinion, places such a strong emphasis on the need for things to be beautiful. 

This notion of beauty within the gay community is something that is commonly discussed, but the idea of body image is something that often gets pushed under the metaphorical rug. However, the two are much more interconnected than we let on.  

If one truly looks at just men, without an emphasis on the gay part, through the years, the idea of an Adonis has always been praised. From Greek gods, to medieval knights, to superheroes in graphic novels, the idea of a perfect physique has been glorified and looked at as the ideal. 

To be fit, maintain healthy patterns, and create a lifestyle that is well balanced is an extremely important practice for everyone. Yet, it's not always these complete ideas that are discussed while idolizing these body types.

Throughout my years as a fitness professional and model, I have felt the pressures to be in great shape. It’s simply part of the criteria when entering into these worlds, and I understood this when embarking on these professions. 

In fact, it’s part of what interested me in these particular fields. I saw an opportunity to interweave my passions and my career aspirations, so it seemed a natural fit. However, as fitness has exploded as a trend, I feel there are many things that are being overlooked, and not spoken about.

I will start by stating that, one must be the example in order to lead, and it’s that idea that personally places the “pressure” upon me. However, my upbringing created a foundation for my future self. I’ve been extremely active, maintained a healthy eating pattern and diet, and competitively swam for 15 years. I didn’t just one day wake up with muscle tone and definition. My body is truly years and years of crafting, sculpting, hard work and dedication; and it’s still not perfect.  

I frequently get asked, “What’s your secret?” My response is always, “Fifteen years of competitive swimming, and hard work there on after.” 

That being said, I think it’s the lack of knowledge that many gay men have about the backgrounds of the men they physically look up to that create many of the problems that exist within the gay community. They simply see the results of years of hard work, and not the hard work itself, so it feels as if we should all be able to snap our fingers, and have that perfectly personified male form. 

Additionally, if one is ever truly honest about what goes into a shirtless professional photo-shoot, it isn’t nearly as glamorous as one would expect. Cutting out certain foods, dehydrating the body, and working out additional hours become part of the formula for creating that idealized physique. Celebrities like Ryan Reynolds, Hugh Jackman, and countless others have spoken about the more miserable side to acquiring their superhero character’s bodies. 

More recently, the idea of this “Spornosexual” has risen to the masses, and straight men have begun to feel the pressures of what most, if not all gay men have been feeling forever. 

Twenty years ago Mark Simpson coined the term “Metrosexual”, and as things tend to evolve with time so has this term. Simpson’s new male ideal, the Spornosexual, is a bigger, burlier and more masculine guy. He looks like he plays rugby, or grew up farming. He was corn-fed and definitely doesn’t hold a vegetarian diet. He by physical standards is bigger than his younger Metrosexual self, but still toned, groomed and maintained. He is a new-age Hercules. 

As this super sexualized male becomes more in our faces through the oversaturation of image driven technology, it seems as if this is a new phenomenon. The truth is that the gay community has been plagued with these ideals for years and years. 

This isn't news to us. 

As this movement is heightened in mainstream pop culture, it becomes all the more apparent in gay culture as well. I would even suggest this has become more popular in terms of an aesthetic for our community than ever before. More and more men (gay men included) are taking on extreme exercises like Crossfit, bootcamps and whatever the latest trend is to achieve a better, stronger, and more god-like body.

In many ways I believe this is a move in the right direction. Healthy is becoming trendy, but a fundamental question must be asked. Are we actually becoming healthier, or are we resorting to more extreme measures to transform? 

There’s a desire to look like Greek statues, have perfectly sculpted bodies, and be, for better or worse, perfect. 

As gay men we have struggled with this notion of perfection since we were children to make up for the shame we felt with being "different." If what we physically put out was “perfect,” maybe you wouldn’t see our internal struggles. 

However, perfection as we learn sooner or later is unachievable, and generally, the more we look to become perfect on the outside, the more we're avoiding deeper internal issues. 

This idea of perfection has driven the gay community to resort to unhealthy means and behaviors for years, and shows no signs of slowing down. Steroid usage, eating disorders, and extreme dieting have all become common occurrences, but things no one wants to talk about. They’re uncomfortable topics, and we pretend as if they don’t exist because to address them would mean that we aren’t as perfect as we want to appear. 

However, what we need to remember is that no one is perfect, and we do in fact need to discuss these serious issues. The struggles we face with beauty and body image are things that men and women face all over, straight and gay. We need to understand that that perfectly sculpted body won’t fix the years of hurt we carry within us because we’re gay. The stronger, more “masculine” bodies we’re looking to create won’t hide the scars we carry deep within ourselves. 

As someone who works within the fitness and health world, I think it’s a great thing that more and more people are looking to create healthier lifestyles, but that’s the key, it needs to be a lifestyle, not a quick fix. 

We need to remember that while we workout our exteriors, our interiors also need to be watered and cared for. We need to understand that the body we have is precious, and any “quick-fix” is only going to lead to years of harmful and rapidly deteriorating health. Fad diets, extreme exercising for short periods of time, and jumping on trends are not healthy and sustainable ways to live.

It wasn’t until I accepted my own flaws, and did internal work that I began to give up on the idea of perfection. I now strive to simply be the best version of myself. 

Yes, I still subconsciously and consciously compare myself to others around me, but when I do catch myself doing just this, I remember that to compare myself is to set myself up for unhealthy jealously. Rather I remind myself I should simply be focused on building myself into a stronger individual mentally, spiritually, and physically.

We should always have a desire to be the best version of ourselves, but we must remember to do it authentically with hard work and dedication. Let your body be brawny, but let your brain and soul lead you in your journey. Remember muscles don’t necessarily equate to strength, nor does being thin mean one is weak. 

When we stop seeking to manipulate our outside, we are that much quicker to find that the beauty we so desire is truly on the inside, and wholeness becomes the goal.

Over the past two weekends I had a motto I never thought I would have said running through my head, ringing in my heart and being said aloud, “I LOVE BEING GAY!”

Growing up gay I experienced so much hatred, meanness, and a general feeling of being misunderstood, especially because I didn’t know I was gay, or straight for that matter. I was simply just being me.

Watching the SCOTUS declare that Gay Marriage will forever be legal in all of the U.S. during the weekend of NYC Pride was a historic moment that brought tears to my eyes because it meant that gay is becoming more and more okay, in terms of societal norms.

Dancing my heart out with friends and strangers for 3 days was like a dream, and all seemed to keep going as the 4th of July approached. Celebrating America’s birthday the weekend after all of this felt somewhat poetic, and even Mother Nature made sure we had sunny skies to enjoy it to the fullest here in NYC.

Escaping from NYC to Fire Island Pines was not something my “Gay Jew Pose” and I had not originally planned, but became an easy long weekend adventure. I had only been to Fire Island once before, and that was a year ago for the same holiday weekend. I had had fun, but after three days was ready to escape what felt like a never-ending party.

This year; however, I found the beauty in what started as a true escape for the LGBT theatre community. I bounded with old friends, made new friends, and saw a new side to myself. I found a cute guy to share some memorable moments with, watched the sunrise, and even took time to just be by myself, which is something I rarely do.

There was the epic Independance Party, which I had originally been hesitant to go to, but ended up loving more than I can explain. My friends and I watched the famous Drag Invasion from one of the best views thanks to an awesome friend, and I experienced so much hospitality that I will forever feel grateful for.

Through all the fun, new friends, and parties I even found time to listen to the ocean, meditate, and read my latest book, all things I have been craving to do for some time now, but have been lazy in executing. 

Overall, these past two weekends have left me on a feeling of up, hope, and excitement that I didn't realize needed reenergizing. But more than anything what these past two weekends reminded me more of than anything is that I truly love being gay, and that for all the wishing to be straight while growing up, I’ve been given such a gift of freedom, love, tolerance, acceptance, and so much more that I would never wish away, or change for anything or anyone.

In a community that is built on a foundation that we all have some shared understanding of what it feels like to be different, and face some sort of discrimination, why do we feel the need to constantly cut each other down?

Since I have come out, I have encountered many different types of gay men because like all communities, no one is exactly the same, and within our broad general gay community, there are in fact subcultures that exist, just like any other large community.

However, what has boggled my mind is that there seems to be some sort of hierarchy within the gay community, or at least a never-ending amount of cliques. You know, those things that existed in high school.

And it is here that we find why we are so competitive as a community

1.    We have a second adolescence.

We did not get to date like our straight peers growing up, and experience sex, drinking, drugs, etc with people we found attractive, so we go through a second adolescence. We often move to a big city, where gay is okay, or at least more so then the small suburbs and rural farms we grew up on. We finally get to find out that there are people like us, but also a lot that still aren’t.

This wouldn’t be as big of a problem as it is, but we don’t have anyone regulating us because we are technically adults, who make our own money. Having no one to answer to when you have endless opportunity makes for a really rich kid in a candy store, and well that just creates monsters on sugar highs.

2.    We separate ourselves into subcategories.

We have our wolves, otters, bears, daddies, babies, twinks, twunks, jocks, and a never-ending list of categories that ultimately say one thing: we aren’t equal, we are separate.

We may cross paths, but often we tend to stick to those cliques that match ourselves, which through a sociological perspective makes sense. Comfort comes from understanding something, and we tend to understand ourselves better than someone we don’t know.

However we are reverting back to an immature notion that because someone doesn’t look like us, means that we don’t understand him or her. When frankly this is not true.

3.    We struggle with notions of masculinity and femininity.

We are using outdated versions of what it means to be masculine and feminine to classify a group of people that do not fall strictly into either category, as most don’t in today’s world.

We create an internalized homophobia based off of how “masc” or “straight-acting” someone should or should not be, when in fact both of these terms are ridiculous as straight people do not claim to be acting at all.

4.    We are obsessed with looks and perfection.

So much of gay life revolves around appearances: what you look like, what your friends look like, where you are hanging out, what you are doing, etc.

Sure, there are different personality types, different interests and different activities that these groups like to partake in, but it all seems to stem back to a classification system, and finding the most “fabulous” and perfect versions of each of these things.

5.    No one explicitly knows our past.

Unless we decide to share it, but even then it is a one-sided version of what happened.

When you grow up, and have friends from childhood there is a basic understanding of who you are. However, when you grow up and move away from everything you knew, you get to start over, for better or worse.

If we were more honest about our pasts, we would see that we all are more alike than we could ever imagine because we did face the same discriminations and bullying.

6.    Success makes you unpopular in a world where popular is apparently still a thing.

As gay men we work so hard to prove to others, and ourselves, that we are in fact amazing because we were told by ourselves, and others, for a period of time that we were anything but. However, once we get to the place we dreamt of for so long, we often find that those who were not so friendly become extremely friendly for self-serving purposes.

Furthermore, you find the better you are doing professionally, romantically, or whatever the case may be the more everyone else in the community has something to say about you.

7.    We create prejudices and separate ourselves.

We often create a level of competition that becomes so fierce that it hurts us as a community rather than pushing us forwards because we create subgroups within subgroups to classify our own community.

It’s not just the wolves, bears, otters, and the rest of the animal kingdom. It’s ageism, professionalism, racism, interest, neighborhoods, etc. that become how we look at one another.

Superficial things that have nothing to do with who someone is on the inside add up ones valance in such an excessive way that we often think of someone based off of insignificant things.

8.    Everyone is every kind of possibility.

Whether it be sexually, romantically, friendly or professionally we can all fill each others needs in multiple ways that do not exist in the straight world.

We often come into a new group with the thought that maybe one of these guys could be my boyfriend, or at least someone I’m into. However, someone may find you attractive, but you do not look at them the same way, so the dynamic is thrown because you would rather be friends while the other person would rather have sex. Thus, your purposes do not match.

9.    Everyone is connected.

This has become something that is more prevalent in today’s day and age because of social media, but literally every gay man seems to know, or at least have seen every other gay man. And if for some crazy reason you do not know each other, there is like one degree of separation.

Facebook, Instagram, and even Linkedin suggests you know X person because well, he’s gay. However, what this means is that we think we know each other, when we, in fact, do not.

10.  Our exes and friends can date each another.

To build upon the idea that everyone is a possibility and connected, we can date each other’s exes in a way the straight world will never experience. Sure, a girl can date her best girlfriend’s ex boyfriend, but the two never had a romantic connection that makes the relationship way more complicated.

We can become each other’s partners, sexual conquests, best friends, and ex-boyfriends. Our ex can date our best friend, who was someone we at one point could have been dating. The relationships that exist within the gay community are so complex, and run so deep that it feels like we are constantly surrounded by no one new, and in an endless connect the dots game that feels both familiar and obscenely disgusting.

The list could truly go on and on, but what we need to remember is that none of these points should be used as an excuse to why we cut each other down.

We need to remember: we all face the same discrimination; we want the same rights; we all want success; and that if someone in our community is doing well, we should applaud them, and give kudos, not gossip like children. When someone else succeeds, it doesn’t mean your chance for success diminishes. Rather, it means that your chance at success has been lit by a light even brighter than before.

Jealousy, bitterness, and gossip stem from an ugly place inside all of us that simply says: “I wish I could be doing what that person is doing.” “I want what that person has.”

Well, the thing is, you can! You just have to get out of your own way, stop focusing so much on others, and live your life for you and no one else.

When you find your authenticity and get over the cliques, the classifications, notions of masculinity and femininity, what you find is that you are simply you. An individual that wants happiness, love and respect. You won’t feel the need to tear others down, but rather build them up higher and higher.

We must go back to being a brotherhood before it’s too late, and claim our pride in a new way. Let’s lose the labels because they further perpetuate stereotypes that were put on us to make us look like savages, animals, deviants. Let’s lift each other up. Let’s make each other proud. Let’s define a new way to be gay. 

Rainbows. Romance. Reunions.

After a full weekend of adventuress and love, a fresh wave of joyful blessedness lingers.

Seeing a best friend, who knows your history, understands you in your simplest form, and reminds you of who you are is like being in an emotional paradise. An effortless love and adoration of energy connects between the two of you and you read each other’s minds. Smiles say everything. Eyes catch each other’s innocence from when you first met.

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You are back to being 9, but with a newfound maturity of experiences, love, journeys.

New stories to share, heartbreaks to cure, and catching up as if no time has passed take paramount importance. It has been years since we’ve seen each other, but as the true test of best friends go; it feels as if no time has passed.

Seeing one my chosen family members gave me a zap back to my past, present and future. She reminded me of who I was, who I am and who I want to be.

We danced into the wee hours of the night, talked for three days nonstop and had a series of firsts together.

Celebrating NYC pride for the first time was all the more special by having this gorgeous creature with me.

Rainbows reminded me of joy, hope, love and how far the gay community has come. Contagious smiles lit the streets, men held men hands, women kissed women and people of all sexualities came together. Respect. Understanding. Pride.

I shared many special moments throughout this weekend that I will remember forever. Connections of old and new, physically and metaphorically, tangible and spiritually. Dreams for a better tomorrow.

A weekend as sweet as this was not achieved by coincidence. This was the universe gifting me gloriousness. I say thank you by keeping a smile on my face, love in my heart, and graciousness in my soul.

Remember to carry these things with you. These invaluable yet free things will guide your way to a blissfulness that is simply spectacular.

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Dear You,

I’ve always been scared of the word man, today I take that word and own it!

I guess that I should start with the fact that I am an anomaly. A person that has never fit into one category, one group, one complete anything.  Parts of me fit here, fit there, but nothing has fit everywhere. It is something that I have learned to enjoy, as I am able to fuse into many situations and be rather comfortable. However, never completely belonging, being somewhat of an outsider, can be taxing. I’ve always felt the need to explain myself, to have others understand me because I feel as humans we are so complex that to make a snap decision is unfair. I’ve lived unfairly for a long time, and I pride myself on not letting that be who I am.

With that said, I want to tell you something. It is something many of you know. It is something that the people closest and dearest to me have known for a long time, but still something I want to share.

I am gay.

Just writing it, even though it is something I haven’t hidden and have come to terms with sends a rush of adrenaline through my body. A metaphorical last bit of chip on my shoulder disintegrates, that last 5 pound weight is lifted from what was holding me down, a lightness has washed over me. I am free.

This minute detail in the complexity of who I am ultimately means nothing to me, but so much at the same time.

As far back as I can remember this trivial fraction of who I am has haunted me because I was in fact gay, but did not know it for myself. Sure, looking back at life and how I loved Barbie, my best friends were girls and I was sensitive could all be “tell-tale signs,” but why? Why did you care what I liked? Why did you care who I played with? Why did you care I was sensitive? Why did you care that I was gay?

I think what is so hard for me is that I probably would’ve come out much sooner, but being labeled the gay kid when you in fact do not identify with who that person is supposed to be is so hard on one’s psyche. You fight so hard against something that you don’t even have a problem with, but just don’t connect with that it becomes a constant struggle. Had all the people I had pushing this on me just let me be me, I would’ve been able to figure out things so much quicker and without a sense of fear, pressure and hardness.

It is not anyone’s job to tell someone else who he or she is supposed to be. It was not your job to tell me who I am. Who I am supposed to be. Who I am going to be. That is my job. My journey to take. My life to unfold.

I know that this is something that everyone deals with to some extent, gay or straight, but the amount of focus I was subjected to on a daily basis from people I would call my peers, but were rather bullies unable to figure themselves out, was so daunting and constant that I cannot feel as if I was constantly under a magnifying glass. Those people who had their own issues to deal with, but were too cowardly to look them in the eye and focus on themselves, so turned their attention on someone who was an easy target. A happy kid, who had a lot going for him, me. It wasn’t just kids either, it was parents, teachers, strangers. I was happy just being me, I didn’t know exactly who I was, nor do I now, but I continue to be happy, “gay” if you will because I learned valuable life lessons so early on. 

At the age of six I watched my mother, my hero, fight for each day of her life. She was stricken with an illness that I to this day do not understand, but know it was life altering. When you see someone you love slowly die, you realize very quickly that time is precious and you must enjoy every minute of life. This life-changing event will forever stay with me, and continue to remind me that I will not live a life that just goes through the motions, but to live a life that is full, whole, happy and loving. Luckily, I can say I still have my mom 19 years later. It hasn’t been without ups and downs, but nonetheless she is still here and fighting.

I share this story with you because it truly was “that moment in life” that acts as a foundation of who we are to become. It is the oldest, most vivid memory I have, and physiologist will say it is the traumatic life event that leads to my hopes and fears, dreams and ambitious, problems and neurosis. I like to think that I have been very in touch with my own emotions and feelings, and that I have used this event as a way to understand myself and adjust to the world. I understand it, I process it, and I use it to move forwards rather than harp and feel victimized.

Moving forwards and going back to “officially” coming out because in today’s society if it isn’t done via social media, is it even official? I want to explain how deciding to write this open coming out letter isn’t to serve my own purpose, but rather the person who happens to read this and understands what life is like for himself, herself or that kid they don’t get.

Its not about being comfortable with others its about being comfortable with yourself, which only gets harder the more people try to tell you who you are. In the multiple times I’ve come out to different friends or groups of people I’ve always went into the situation knowing that in the end these people would not have a problem with it, but would probably love me even more because they finally got to see my true self. I knew that the people I chose to have in my life were to put it simply, good people. They were and are people that loved me for me, who let me be me, who saw nothing but Barrett. All the hang-ups and stresses were my own insecurities wrecking havoc on me from years of verbal abuse from those bullies, not my friends, not my family. I also know that I unlike so many, am blessed and lucky because this is not the case for so many beautiful people. For that I thank my friends and family for being the amazing angels they are.

It is also easy to finally say all this because I have had the chance to live in New York City, where being an individual is praised. I have lived in Los Angeles where I had time to leave all that I knew and focus on finding out who I really was. I’ve given myself multiple explorations and adventures to find more and more vignettes that comprise who I am as a whole. Each step of the way has been scary, different and sparked something new in me, but it has been important and I have tried to appreciate every moment as best as I can to understand that I will never be in this specific place in my life again. I may end up somewhere similar, but never an exact replica of each moment.

I have learned that I don’t fit in and I never will. I have learned it’s the best thing in the world to stand out in a crowd. To be that light in darkness. I have also learned that you will never be able to please everyone, so if you can please yourself than let that light shine as bright as that fiery mass in the sky.

I’ve also learned what I think so many LGBT people have a hard time learning in the beginning, there is not just one specific idea of what it means to be gay. Everyone feels the need to put everything into a box, a category, a specific. What I have found is that there will always be many intricate facets that collaborate to create the unique being that is me. A stereotype is something that we use to make sense of the world, but I do not think in my case it serves me as much positive as it does negative because in the end I am still my own man.

I think the way so many gay men refer to each other as “her” or “she” is funny and playful, but I also think it is destructive. I am someone that looks at being gay as a piece of me. I do not want it to define my existence, my life. I will allow it to be present as it is part of me, but I do not want to live in a bubble that is all things gay. I think it is amazing that there are neighborhoods dedicated to gay communities. It is an environment of comfort for so many, who probably had never felt such comfort before. It is a place to be one version of yourself and not worry about making anyone else feel uncomfortable. But to close yourself off from things because there is no gay undertone is dangerous and in my opinion leads to a different kind of hazard. A false sense of real.

My friends and I joke that being gay is “cool.” What I really think we mean is that it is finally not the deviant, the monster. Yes, gays are popping up everywhere and times are changing. Things like the new TV show Looking, the marriages performed at the Grammys, and the daily celebrity coming out all exemplify how being gay is becoming just another “normal” in our abnormal world. However, I think it is important to recognize the fact that there is still so much progress to be made, and so many obstacles to overcome as a world. Gay still equates to bad or wrong in so many places here and abroad. Its hard sometimes to fathom this as I am someone who has lived in a liberal metropolis for almost 10 years, but it is still very real for so many gay brothers and sisters.

Being gay is an ever-confusing concept to not just straight people, but to gays as well. I think that so many of us suffer from daddy issues, mommy issues, both or none. I definitely have both. We are in the same constant search for love as everyone else. We confuse sex with love, love with sex. We are looking to fill an empty void in us, sometimes more so because for so long we couldn’t figure out why people looked at us differently. We use hook-up apps to fulfill basic needs, and then call ourselves sluts.  We use dating apps to try and fill deeper needs, and then are left feeling like there is no one out there for us. We go on first dates, which sometimes lead to a second, or nothing at all. We go to bars to see and be seen. We hang out with our friends to remind us that we have people we love and equalize us back out. “We” in the end are just living day to day like everyone else. Yes, there are some differences, but in general there are far fewer between straight people and LGBT people than most would realize.

I have met many people recently, who have asked me to promise them that I will never change. Never become jaded to the world around me. Never loose my desire to find love, my ability to be open and honest and my pursuit to be as me as possible. I promise.

To the person who reads this and goes I’ve heard all this before, I say great! I by no means think I am saying something that hasn’t been said before. I am simply sharing my story, my thoughts, my struggles. The slogan, “it gets better,” is beyond true. I joke that coming out was the best thing I ever did for my personal and professional life, but to be honest it is true. There is an amazing network of LGBT people who run so many things that once you are ready to join will be waiting for you with open arms. Not only does it get better, it gets fucking amazing.

Since “accepting myself” and coming out I have met some of the most amazing people, experienced real love, saw the world with a new sense of beauty and darkness. Some things affect me more, while other things affect me less. Overall, since coming out I have become a man. A real man.

I hope something I have written resonates with you. I am going to continue to share my life, my journey and my struggles with you. I feel it is important to have a voice and use it whenever possible. If I can help just one person feel more like him or herself than I feel all this will have been worth it.

All my love,

Barrett